3 Simple Steps to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
As a woman, I always hated who I was in my body.
Like many of you, I have felt inadequate and deeply insecure about myself. I have tried anything and everything to make myself into someone else. I was grasping to feel confident, secure, and comfortable in myself so I could know I belonged in my body.
I have worked really hard to be comfortable in myself and feel good about who I am.
I am an average, everyday woman. I am 5’6 and weigh 185 on a good day. I’ve had really big boobs (a size D by 6th grade) since I can remember.
I was immediately labeled a slut just because I had big boobs, which led me to be promiscuous at a young age. It was the only thing I thought I could get attention for that would somehow make me feel wanted, loved, and that I fit in. This is how bad I felt about myself.
To top it all off, I also had the worst acne. The boys in school often made fun of me saying they could play connect the dots with my face.
Sounding familiar?
You are not alone. The good news is that in spite of these struggles, there is something you can do to change how you feel about yourself.
Today, I want to show you a straightforward path to feel comfortable in your own skin. It is the same path I have taken to accept myself and feel good about who I am.
These 3 steps are what I teach other women, just like you, so you can get to a place where you feel free to just be yourself.
Let’s dive in.
Step 1: Know Where Your Insecurities are Coming From
The first step to feeling comfortable in your own skin is knowing where your insecurities are coming from.
Frankly, we've got it all wrong as women when it comes to knowing where our insecurities stem from.
Our culture believes and teaches to point the finger externally for why we don't feel good about ourselves. We look in every nook and cranny except inside ourselves to explain why we're so uncomfortable in our own skin.
The truth is you feel uncomfortable in your own skin because of how you feel about yourself. It's not coming from anywhere else.
How the Blame Game Causes Insecurities
Where most of us get trapped, including myself, is looking outside of ourselves and buying into the messages we’re fed from social media, the news, modern-day feminism, therapy, etc.
We believe our insecurities are coming from…
Our upbringing and parents
Past relationships
Men and a patriarchal society
Our history of oppression as women
Social media, magazines, and movies full of skinny models and ideals of what a woman should look like
In believing your insecurities and feeling uncomfortable in your body are coming from these outside sources, you give your power away. You have no control to change, and you end up very trapped.
You can't change any of the people or things you blame. You can't change your parents. You can't change your upbringing. You can't change men or society. You can't change the magazine ads or the skinny models.
The truth is you only have control to change yourself.
As long as you blame others for how you feel, you make yourself a victim and completely powerless to change. You live in a perpetual story that something is being done to you to make you feel bad about yourself.
You disempower yourself when you blame others for how you feel.
The only way to change is to take personal responsibility for how you feel about yourself.
It doesn’t matter if you’re beautiful, ugly, too fat, too skinny, big boobs, no boobs, clear skin, acne, freckles, etc.
If you want to feel comfortable in your own skin, you must begin to understand that how you feel about yourself is what you've created as you.
If it’s coming from you then that’s a really, really good thing.
If it’s you that has made yourself feel so insecure, you are empowered to change it.
How Blaming Kept Me Stuck in My Insecurities
I'm not talking ‘at you’ as someone who hasn't been there. I'm with you and on your team as someone who has been there. I lived most of my life hating who I was in my body and doing anything and everything I could to change who I was to feel like I fit in.
I did the same thing as you; I thought it was my dad, the boys that made fun of me in school, my failed relationships, and how my partners made me feel. I blamed my husband, being oppressed as a woman, and believing it’s men who have made me feel so insecure.
I lived in my elaborate stories of blame for a long time and all it did was keep me stuck. I couldn't move forward, and I just continued to feel worse and worse and worse about myself. I constantly picked myself apart in my head.
Why? Because as long as I blamed others, I couldn't change.
So, when I was introduced to a new path and a new way from my mentor, I began to clearly see I was the problem in my lack of confidence and insecurities. It's on me that I don't feel good about myself.
With this new awakening and self-awareness, I was empowered to change.
The same is true for you. When you know your insecurities and discomfort are coming from within, you become empowered to change, which leads me to step two…
Step 2: Stop Working on Your Outward Appearance and Start Working on the Internal
Once you recognize your insecurities are coming from you, it’s time to stop working on your outward appearance and start working on how you feel on the inside.
Where we have gotten so off track as women, myself included, is how much time and energy we spend working on our outward appearance. We desperately seek ways to prove ourselves to others, seeking validation that we are good enough.
We go to the gym and work out all the time.
We go to yoga.
We endlessly diet trying to be the “perfect” weight.
We get facials and buy all the skincare.
We mask ourselves in expensive makeup trying to look younger.
We get Botox or more invasive plastic surgery.
We buy all the “right” clothes that slim us down.
We check the boxes of life achievements and accomplishments – college, career, marriage, kids, house, etc.
And the list goes on (tell me in the comments what I missed).
How I Tried to Overcome My Insecurities
Personally, I did a lot of Bikram yoga, the hot yoga, sweating it all out. I’ve spent a small fortune on skincare and makeup (most of which ended up in the trash). I used to spend $200 a pop on a new pair of jeans to get my butt looking smaller. I ran a ½ marathon (and let me be clear, I am NOT a runner). I’ve tried to climb the ladder of accomplishments and achievements.
And none of it ever worked to make me feel enough or confident in who I am. I felt as empty and unfulfilled as ever.
We all know these things don’t work long term to make us feel good. If they did, 1 in 10 women in the U.S. wouldn’t be on antidepressants (Harvard Health Publishing).
I know the thousand and one times that I have killed myself in the gym to fit into my coveted size 8 “skinny” jeans, got the right makeup, the right skincare, checked all the boxes in life…
I always end up right where I started – looking for the next thing to make me confident in who I am.
We’ve all been there.
Why Changing Your Outward Appearance Doesn’t Work
It's a very short-lived experience, isn't it? You get to the “ideal weight”. You get a flat stomach. You get the cute dress or the jeans that make your butt look good. You get attention and feel good for a little bit…
Then, they all come knocking on your door again - the same insecurities, doubt, and self-criticism that you’ve always battled in yourself.
We can clearly see that working on our physical appearance or achievements doesn’t make us feel good or comfortable in our own skin.
I think we can all be honest and look around at the women in our lives (our friends, family members, coworkers) and the things that we talk about in our struggles and insecurities.
And isn't it true?
That the women you know are all deeply struggling with how they feel about themselves? Even the women you know who make it look like they have it all together are deeply insecure if you take a closer, honest look. (Hint: can she take a compliment, or does she dismiss it and play herself down? This will tell you everything about how a woman truly feels about herself.)
We're always talking about, “oh, if I could just lose this weight or if I could just get myself to the gym.” Then we do those things, and yet, we're still on the hamster wheel of insecurities.
We never solve our lack of confidence because it's not about how we look on the outside.
That's what I always believed - I thought it was how I looked. But truth be told I felt bad about who I was on the inside. I tried to do everything to look different and be different on the outside, but I was working on all the wrong things.
It’s All About How You Feel on the Inside
It's not about how you look. It's about how you feel about yourself on the inside.
You can't change how you feel about yourself on the inside by working on your physical, outward appearance. It doesn't work. You have to work on the inside.
One of the things that’s fascinating to me is the more I tried to lose weight, wear the right clothes, the right makeup, etc., the more untrue I became to myself.
The more I was living under this mask of who I thought I needed to be, the more awkward and uncomfortable I felt like I didn't belong in myself.
So, I‘ve found in working with tons of other women that the more we work on our outward appearance, the more we miss the inside and the worse we feel about ourselves.
We work against ourselves because we’re not working on the right thing.
We have to work on how we feel about ourselves on the inside. And the thing is, no one's ever taught us how to work on the inside.
But Doesn’t Therapy, Meditation, Yoga, and Self-Help Books Help You Work on the Internal?
The truth is, no.
If those things worked to resolve our insecurities and inner emotional turmoil, I wouldn’t have felt the way I did, and neither would my clients who come to work with me.
Most of my clients come to me because they’ve exhausted their efforts with therapy, books, yoga, meditation, all the Woo, etc. and they still feel lost and empty on the inside.
It was the same for me. I was a trained yoga teacher. I taught yoga, I taught meditation, did all the Woo, and I read tons of self-help books.
I am here to tell you those things do nothing long-term for how you feel about yourself on the inside.
Same with therapy. Altogether, I think I did over eight years of therapy. It did nothing to help me feel good about myself on the inside.
And I know that because I could still look in the mirror and tear myself apart.
If I’m honest, I did all those things for external validation to make it look like I was doing something on the outside. Internally, I was still a mess.
No matter how many books I read, how much yoga I practiced or taught, how many times I meditated, or how many therapy sessions I had…
I still felt like a little girl trapped in a woman's body. Completely insecure.
My female clients all express the same frustrations – doing everything under the sun to work on their insecurities and emotional state only to end up feeling like there’s something wrong with them that they can’t figure themselves out.
Truthfully, we need a fresh approach to work on the inside to feel good about ourselves, which leads me to step three…
Step 3: Put Yourself First and Build Self-Worth
The best way to work on the internal – how you feel about yourself – is to learn how to put yourself first and build self-worth.
This is the secret, the key, to feel comfortable in your own skin. It has nothing to do with how you look or your external accomplishments or achievements in life.
Putting yourself first and building self-worth comes from slowing down to make intentional, deliberate time for yourself.
Like I mentioned before, I did all the things like yoga, journaling, meditating, and going to therapy thinking those things were putting me first. But they weren't. I was doing them as a checklist of the things I needed to do to look and be perceived a certain way. That's what all my friends were doing. It's what all the books told me to do.
But I wasn't slowing down and really thinking for myself. What does Karyn need? What does Karyn want for herself?
I had no clue who I was underneath all the pretending.
Like many of you, I was sped up and powering my way through life. I was constantly going, going, going and trying to check all the boxes. I was dead last on my list of priorities. Dead last.
When I put myself last it made me feel really bad about myself. I felt like I wasn't important and that I didn't matter. Because I was so sped up, I couldn't really slow down to be in touch or connected to myself. I was running from myself.
So, no matter what I did thinking I was putting myself first, there was no me to be found in any of it. I was pretending. I was wearing a facade. I was being who I thought I needed to be.
If you struggle to feel uncomfortable in your own skin, I can promise you this is what’s going on for you too. And it's OK and it’s normal. Again, I have good news…
There’s a different way.
How to Put Yourself First and Build Self-Worth
1) Make Time for Yourself
One of the simplest ways that I have found to put yourself first and build self-worth is making time for yourself to do the things you love to do.
The things you love to do are often the things that you have buried and stuffed away.
They are the things you stopped doing once life got too busy and your focus went elsewhere like…
Your career
Being married
Having children
Caring for family members
Doing a thousand and one things for your friends
You put everyone else before you and all of a sudden there is no time or energy left for yourself.
You stop doing the things that you've always loved and enjoy. You start doing the things you think you're supposed to do. Before you know it, you become very disconnected from yourself.
Putting yourself first and building self-worth comes from slowing way down to reconnect with the things you love to do that you've stopped doing.
Life started to happen, and we put ourselves on the back burner. We put the things we really enjoy doing at the very bottom of our list. We tell ourselves we can't do those things anymore because we’re too busy. We tell ourselves those things are silly, irresponsible, and frivolous.
If you're like me, once I got married and wrapped up in my career, I totally forgot the things I enjoyed. My mentor had to help me slow down and think through the things I used to love to do as a teenager. I was blown away by what I discovered and remembered what I truly loved to do.
2) Reclaim the Things You Love to Do
The things I had stepped away from and stopped doing were such a part of who I am. I reconnected with myself again and remembered, “Oh, I love washing my car.” Not running it through the automatic wash, but actually going to a car wash and taking my time to clean up the inside, spray and wash the outside, and then dry it.
I remembered, “Oh, I love doing my hair. I love fixing and wearing my hair in different ways.” I completely stopped doing that and taking the time for myself. I remembered that I used to love to make playlists (back in my day it was making mixed CDs), and I had stopped doing that.
I used to love to bake when I was growing up. Baking went off the table and I told myself, “I can't bake because I have a weight problem.” No more baking. I took that away from myself too.
I promise that you have a list of things just like mine. The things you used to love that you've forgotten about and stopped doing.
3) Slow Down and Make Yourself Important
Putting yourself first and building self-worth comes from slowing way down internally to remember what you truly love to do to spend time with yourself. Then, begin making deliberate time for you.
“I don’t have time to do those things” is just an excuse. Like my mentor says, we make time for the things that are important to us.
You are important, but you have to be the one to show that to yourself.
Before anything or anyone else on your list, spend that time with yourself.
That's why you make yourself a priority so that you feel good about yourself. When you prioritize yourself by doing the things you love to do, you feel important to yourself and like you matter.
When you have that kind of self-worth from slowing down to make time for yourself and putting yourself first….
That’s how you feel comfortable in your own skin.
That’s the secret to letting go of your insecurities and feeling like you belong in your body.
And as you can see, it has nothing to do with how you look or what’s happened to you to make you so insecure.
It's about spending time with yourself intentionally and deliberately. It’s putting yourself first and making yourself important to you.
Case Study
Being Comfortable in Your Own Skin: Susan, 38-year-old woman, Portland, OR
Susan’s Transformation Story:
Susan is a graduate of my women’s happiness course. When she came to me, she had been seeing so many different healers and therapists, going to retreats, and meditating. She was at a loss on how to be secure and comfortable in her own skin. Nothing was working.
When she started my happiness course here is how she described herself:
I am always uncomfortable in my mind and body. I am constantly critiquing myself. I never think positively about myself, only negatively. I beat myself up and have a severe sense of disconnection and awkwardness in life.
After only 10 weeks of my happiness course, this is how she feels now:
I have a new confidence in myself. I am connected to me. I am calm in the morning and throughout the day. I no longer feel on shaky ground. I feel like I am in my body. I feel settled and grounded in myself. I have a relationship with myself now.
Final Thoughts: How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
To wrap up, I want you to realize these three steps are the essence and path to being happy.
It is the same path I have taken to become happy in who I am.
When you realize your insecurities come from within, you stop working on your outward appearance to work on the internal, and you learn how to put yourself first and build self-worth…
You learn how to be happy in yourself and in life. You accept who you are – the good, the bad, the ugly, and everything in between. You feel good about who you are on the inside and the rest falls into place.
Ultimately, you feel comfortable in your own skin.
I hope you now realize what it takes to feel good about yourself. That it’s not about doing things externally. It’s about changing the inside.
Now, I’d love to hear from you. What was your biggest ‘a-ha’ moment or takeaway from this article? Let me know in the comments section.
If you’re feeling up to being vulnerable, please share some of the struggles you’ve had with feeling comfortable in your own skin and the things you’ve tried to change your insecurities.
If you found this article meaningful and helpful, please share it with a friend or on your social media accounts…
Interested in Working with Me?
If you're ready to learn how to be happy so you can be confident and comfortable in your own skin, please don’t hesitate to reach out for a free get-to-know-you call with me.
I'm passionate about teaching women how to be happy and know who they are in my happiness course called Awakened Grace.
I would love to get to know you and see if Awakened Grace is your next best step for where you are on your path.